[No matter how far she had believed she had come, no matter how deeply she had tried to bury all that had reminded her of those that betrayed her, Seiko found she could not let those first two meetings go. They had haunted her, right until her dying breath, the last flickering memory that she had desperately wanted to take refuge in as she sank into despair. The good and the bad had become meshed and muddled, leaving her unable to distinguish what it meant to her anymore.]
[She was tired, so tired of all of it, the bickering and the fighting and the way the old wounds never seemed to close. At one point she had blamed the two of them, constantly coming back into her life to tear the stitches open and make her suffer just when she was within reach of letting go. That was a lie though; they had never truly healed. The cuts had dug deeper and deeper over the years when their friendship became corrupted, the exam just being the final stab that had left them open, gaping and oozing. And that is how they had remained for all those years. Even with all her skill and talent, it had been an ailment she had never been able to treat. She had just allowed herself to numb and ignore it, until the game had started, forcing her to acknowledge every thrumming beat of pain in one manic outburst and a possible overdose of enhancement pills.]
[Now though, surely she was spent, and wouldn't be able to feel anything else. She was dead after all. However, hearing Ruruka speak up, a look of genuine disbelief and shock appeared in her eyes. She had felt...because she couldn't...what?]
You didn't need to. [The words left her without a second thought or pause, perhaps more open and vulnerable than she should have allowed, but she couldn't help it. She was sure it had been apparent she had never asked for anything because she was content as things were, so why feel bad about it? After all, there was truly only one thing she had desired, and that wish had been granted the instant the other girl had spoken up to her on that rainy day, and then again on that park bench.] You were my friend, that was all I ever wanted from you, I didn't need you to do anything else. I just...wanted to be friends with you. I thought you understood that-...
[Apparently not, but before she found herself able to go further, the confectioner rambled on, halting her mid sentence, mid thought. All those little sprouts of concern began to wither once more. She just had to bring that up didn't she? She always did. Was it to make her feel bad? Some sort of punishment? Of course she knew how unfair it all was, and for a long time she regretted being forced to deny Ruruka what she desired more than anything, hence why she worked twice as hard with ever other request. It seemed so obvious, and in truth she might have been able to accept this as a mistake on her part, except for the circumstances that prevented such a thing. She knew, they both did, why she had always refused the sweets. Kimura had always been honest about that, it was out of her control. And yet Ruruka had the gall to act as if she had been acting out of spite!]
I told you...over and over and over, how many times do I have to say it?! I didn't have a choice! ! couldn't eat them! I would have died! Don't you think I would have eaten them if I had been able to?!
[It was unclear when and how she had managed too get back up on her feet, stepping forward and baring down on her old classmate, one fist clenched as the other went to her face. The mask was stifling, she needed to pull it down, baring her teeth in a scowl while the mental wire and brackets of her braces glinted with menace. She could feel it, just when she was sure all the anger inside had burned out, her dear friend managed to stoke the embers of the dying flame back to life anew. And it hurt, it really hurt, and she intended to make sure Ruruka knew it.]
Or...was that really it? Was that what it would have taken for you to trust me? No matter what I did, not matter how hard I tried to make you happy by doing everything you asked, you'd never be satisfied until I killed myself for you?!
[It had all been futile. She knew that now. It was all in vain, pointless, a waste of time. She had pushed herself so hard, desperately trying to do something, anything that would have earned Ruruka's friendship. Not the fake sugary smile and bubbly little remarks of thanks about how she was the best, an exaggerated put on to wear her down those few times she had resisted, questioned, tried to tell her no. No, she had been waiting for that same look, that same smile and gentle, even kind tone that she knew the girl had once possessed long ago to return. That honest, sincere appreciation as she had declared them friends that day in the park. Comparing her to the bitter, sour person before her now, Kimura had begun to wonder if it had all been in her imagination, if she had built it all up in her mind over the years to mean more than it had to justify her loyalty, to stop herself going mad at the realization she had thrown her life away to a person who never even existed.]
[And yet, even now as she stood there, staring back at the confectioner, burning and angry, she still caught herself scanning the others eyes a flicker of that phantom girl that had once made her so happy by just declaring they were friends. But she was no where to be seen, of course.]
It was never enough, it was never going to be enough was it? No matter what I did...I was just someone you could use.
no subject
[She was tired, so tired of all of it, the bickering and the fighting and the way the old wounds never seemed to close. At one point she had blamed the two of them, constantly coming back into her life to tear the stitches open and make her suffer just when she was within reach of letting go. That was a lie though; they had never truly healed. The cuts had dug deeper and deeper over the years when their friendship became corrupted, the exam just being the final stab that had left them open, gaping and oozing. And that is how they had remained for all those years. Even with all her skill and talent, it had been an ailment she had never been able to treat. She had just allowed herself to numb and ignore it, until the game had started, forcing her to acknowledge every thrumming beat of pain in one manic outburst and a possible overdose of enhancement pills.]
[Now though, surely she was spent, and wouldn't be able to feel anything else. She was dead after all. However, hearing Ruruka speak up, a look of genuine disbelief and shock appeared in her eyes. She had felt...because she couldn't...what?]
You didn't need to. [The words left her without a second thought or pause, perhaps more open and vulnerable than she should have allowed, but she couldn't help it. She was sure it had been apparent she had never asked for anything because she was content as things were, so why feel bad about it? After all, there was truly only one thing she had desired, and that wish had been granted the instant the other girl had spoken up to her on that rainy day, and then again on that park bench.] You were my friend, that was all I ever wanted from you, I didn't need you to do anything else. I just...wanted to be friends with you. I thought you understood that-...
[Apparently not, but before she found herself able to go further, the confectioner rambled on, halting her mid sentence, mid thought. All those little sprouts of concern began to wither once more. She just had to bring that up didn't she? She always did. Was it to make her feel bad? Some sort of punishment? Of course she knew how unfair it all was, and for a long time she regretted being forced to deny Ruruka what she desired more than anything, hence why she worked twice as hard with ever other request. It seemed so obvious, and in truth she might have been able to accept this as a mistake on her part, except for the circumstances that prevented such a thing. She knew, they both did, why she had always refused the sweets. Kimura had always been honest about that, it was out of her control. And yet Ruruka had the gall to act as if she had been acting out of spite!]
I told you...over and over and over, how many times do I have to say it?! I didn't have a choice! ! couldn't eat them! I would have died! Don't you think I would have eaten them if I had been able to?!
[It was unclear when and how she had managed too get back up on her feet, stepping forward and baring down on her old classmate, one fist clenched as the other went to her face. The mask was stifling, she needed to pull it down, baring her teeth in a scowl while the mental wire and brackets of her braces glinted with menace. She could feel it, just when she was sure all the anger inside had burned out, her dear friend managed to stoke the embers of the dying flame back to life anew. And it hurt, it really hurt, and she intended to make sure Ruruka knew it.]
Or...was that really it? Was that what it would have taken for you to trust me? No matter what I did, not matter how hard I tried to make you happy by doing everything you asked, you'd never be satisfied until I killed myself for you?!
[It had all been futile. She knew that now. It was all in vain, pointless, a waste of time. She had pushed herself so hard, desperately trying to do something, anything that would have earned Ruruka's friendship. Not the fake sugary smile and bubbly little remarks of thanks about how she was the best, an exaggerated put on to wear her down those few times she had resisted, questioned, tried to tell her no. No, she had been waiting for that same look, that same smile and gentle, even kind tone that she knew the girl had once possessed long ago to return. That honest, sincere appreciation as she had declared them friends that day in the park. Comparing her to the bitter, sour person before her now, Kimura had begun to wonder if it had all been in her imagination, if she had built it all up in her mind over the years to mean more than it had to justify her loyalty, to stop herself going mad at the realization she had thrown her life away to a person who never even existed.]
[And yet, even now as she stood there, staring back at the confectioner, burning and angry, she still caught herself scanning the others eyes a flicker of that phantom girl that had once made her so happy by just declaring they were friends. But she was no where to be seen, of course.]
It was never enough, it was never going to be enough was it? No matter what I did...I was just someone you could use.