[ "Best friend." It's a phrase that shouldn't affect her, a phrase that should mean nothing coming from the person she despised, but...it does. It stings, and it resurfaces that lingering guilt, rueful thoughts flood in her mind wondering what went wrong between them, and why...? Why did everything have to go wrong? Why couldn't they go back to the old days where they were young and happy and friends...?
She remembers the day that they first met. That cold, rainy day that had marked the start of their friendship. She was so impressed when she saw Seiko's medicine at work for the first time, and even if she hadn't been able to save both dogs, it didn't matter to Ruruka. Just the fact that she was able to save one and return it from the brink of death had been all it took for her to admire the girl, to call her a friend. She had even made it official by giving her one of her candies - a ritual she had, until that moment, shared with only one person.
But then, she had found out that her friend couldn't enjoy her sweets. She remembers that day, too - she had been sitting on a park bench with Izayoi's head resting in her lap like always when she had spotted the girl foraging around for something, and her eyes lit up when she saw her again that she invited her over to join them in eating her treats...and then, Seiko told her that she couldn't have sugar. It was a reason that Ruruka understood, but it didn't mean it hurt any less to know that her friend couldn't indulge in her pride and joy, in the one thing she was able to do. She had felt saddened, but then Seiko had promised her that in exchange she would fulfill any request she had, and at the time Ruruka thought it was a fair exchange.
So, where did it go wrong...? The event at the exams had only been the final piece to the puzzle; it couldn't nearly have been the catalyst for their ruinous friendship. It was just an out for both of them, something that allowed them to walk away, but for what? To hold a bitter grudge against each other for the rest of their days? Or would it have been better for them to remain friends? No matter how many ways she looked at it, it seemed that neither possibility would yield in a positive outcome, and Ruruka just didn't know why everything went sour.
...Well, that was a lie. She knew why. It was just she never wanted to admit it to herself until now, where she had no other choice but to face her problems head on. Perhaps that was the reason she was here with Seiko, and not Izayoi. There was no running away from her guilt because Seiko would not absolve her of her blame like Izayoi did; Seiko would not enable her behavior and forgive her for doing things she knew was morally wrong and tell her it was okay.
And...maybe that was just what she needed. Maybe she did need to come to terms with what she had done, rather than suppressing her emotions to the point where they had become her own undoing. Maybe someone like her couldn't find redemption, but maybe she could find some semblance of peace. ]
...Well, what about me? What did you think I needed?
[ The question is low and sounds like she's gritting it through her teeth, but she at least makes it audible enough. ]
...It's not like I wanted things to go wrong between us either. I thought of you as my best friend, too, you know! I was happy just being able to rely on you! You would always do anything I asked, but I could never do anything in return for you!
[ She pauses with a shaky breath. She's never opened up about her inhibitions before, and the fact that she's finally revealing them to Seiko makes it even harder for her. ]
The only thing I can do is bake sweets...but you would never eat anything I made! You refused to acknowledge the only thing I was good at! How do you think that made me feel?! You never once considered how I felt every time you refused my sweets!
no subject
She remembers the day that they first met. That cold, rainy day that had marked the start of their friendship. She was so impressed when she saw Seiko's medicine at work for the first time, and even if she hadn't been able to save both dogs, it didn't matter to Ruruka. Just the fact that she was able to save one and return it from the brink of death had been all it took for her to admire the girl, to call her a friend. She had even made it official by giving her one of her candies - a ritual she had, until that moment, shared with only one person.
But then, she had found out that her friend couldn't enjoy her sweets. She remembers that day, too - she had been sitting on a park bench with Izayoi's head resting in her lap like always when she had spotted the girl foraging around for something, and her eyes lit up when she saw her again that she invited her over to join them in eating her treats...and then, Seiko told her that she couldn't have sugar. It was a reason that Ruruka understood, but it didn't mean it hurt any less to know that her friend couldn't indulge in her pride and joy, in the one thing she was able to do. She had felt saddened, but then Seiko had promised her that in exchange she would fulfill any request she had, and at the time Ruruka thought it was a fair exchange.
So, where did it go wrong...? The event at the exams had only been the final piece to the puzzle; it couldn't nearly have been the catalyst for their ruinous friendship. It was just an out for both of them, something that allowed them to walk away, but for what? To hold a bitter grudge against each other for the rest of their days? Or would it have been better for them to remain friends? No matter how many ways she looked at it, it seemed that neither possibility would yield in a positive outcome, and Ruruka just didn't know why everything went sour.
...Well, that was a lie. She knew why. It was just she never wanted to admit it to herself until now, where she had no other choice but to face her problems head on. Perhaps that was the reason she was here with Seiko, and not Izayoi. There was no running away from her guilt because Seiko would not absolve her of her blame like Izayoi did; Seiko would not enable her behavior and forgive her for doing things she knew was morally wrong and tell her it was okay.
And...maybe that was just what she needed. Maybe she did need to come to terms with what she had done, rather than suppressing her emotions to the point where they had become her own undoing. Maybe someone like her couldn't find redemption, but maybe she could find some semblance of peace. ]
...Well, what about me? What did you think I needed?
[ The question is low and sounds like she's gritting it through her teeth, but she at least makes it audible enough. ]
...It's not like I wanted things to go wrong between us either. I thought of you as my best friend, too, you know! I was happy just being able to rely on you! You would always do anything I asked, but I could never do anything in return for you!
[ She pauses with a shaky breath. She's never opened up about her inhibitions before, and the fact that she's finally revealing them to Seiko makes it even harder for her. ]
The only thing I can do is bake sweets...but you would never eat anything I made! You refused to acknowledge the only thing I was good at! How do you think that made me feel?! You never once considered how I felt every time you refused my sweets!