[It wouldn't have been a surprise to her, not in the least, have more insults and taunts thrown at her back as she retreated to the other side of the room, and she had been prepared to bare the brunt of their harsh sting. As such, the silence was unexpected, although tolerable. Rarely if ever did Ruruka forsake an opportunity to use her as a verbal punching bag, so why so silent now? Before she might have assumed it was down to uncertainty without Izayoi at her side. After all it was very easy to throw abuse when you had a boyfriend who protected you from any and all consequences for your actions, but without her bodyguard, maybe she was being wiser and not pushing her luck, considering she now knew that Seiko did have a breaking point, and she could actually fight back. But really, that didn't make much sense in this place. They couldn't kill each other now, there was no danger now they were dead.]
[Maybe she was getting too hung up on it, overthinking the issue when it could just be that her former friend was also too drained and exhausted to really start a bickering match. Still, focusing on someone else, asking all these pointless questions at least provided a good distraction. It was better than the alternative, having to deal with her own turbulent thoughts regarding the situation. She didn't want to face that, not again. The promise of those last few moments, yes it had all been a horrible trick to force her down the path to despair, but really, was it so wrong she wanted to let it all go? Why couldn't she they just end the pain and let her wither into nothing in peace?]
[It was a nightmare made real, so vivid and clear that all of her senses had been fooled into believing it, to the point where she could still feel her skin crawl in revulsion from the sensation of the blood...their blood, the blood of all those people, her colleagues, her subordinates, those she had failed to save, those who might very well now be dead because she wasn't there to do something. It had oozed and bubbled, painting her hands red, pooling at her feet until it lapped at her legs like a sea of decay she had to wade through, trying to avoid the floating corpses of those she had let down and praying she wouldn't drown as it rose higher and higher.]
[But then...she saw them, and herself. Pure, innocent, blissfully unaware of what was to follow because of that fateful encounter on a rainy day. Was it just there to taunt her, was she seeing her life flash before her eyes? Maybe, but...then she turned. The little Ruruka looked at her, and smiled.]
["How come you're letting all that icky stuff drag you down?" the sugary voice had chirped, stretching out a hand and offering her that same wrapped candy she still carried, young Izayoi watching silently as the little girl had giggled. "You should just come and play with us instead!"
[Somewhere in the real world she had heard the metal clang on the knife being dropped, body collecting it without pause, memorized and simply going through the motions. Her guilt of course had to be unleashed, leading to her bashing herself over and over into the cold wall until it bend and buckled around her body shape, her senses just barely picking up a dampness creeping into her clothes and skin, the latter now shredded and tattered due to repeated impact. Had she caused a water pipe to burst? Oh well, it didn't matter anymore. What was important now was...]
["Go for it Seiko-chan!"]
["You don't have to deal with that stuff anymore."]
["We can go back to having fun again, like it was before."]
["And you'll be able to eat my candy too! Isn't that great?"]
["You're my friend Seiko-chan...I believe in you!"]
[Then...the knife had...]
[She was a coward. She had wanted the pain to end so badly she had allowed herself to fall into delirium, and it affected her even now, somewhat dazed as she finally realized Ruruka was back to sniping at her, apparently having missed the mask failing for that brief second earlier. It should have been fine, she was used to the harsh words by now. And yet...it still hurt. Why did it still hurt?]
That's not true! I just-... [There was no screaming, no rage this time. They had both worn themselves out on that before. No, this was a much rawer, heartbroken denial. Thinking on what she did, even with her conviction that she had been treated unfairly, Seiko was repulsed by what she had allowed herself to turn into by downing all those pills. She could have killed them, she wanted to at the time, but now...]
I was angry...because you wouldn't stop saying those things...blaming me for everything...
[It wasn't an excuse, she wasn't asking to be forgiven. More than that, she just wanted to come to terms with it herself, fingers clutching her sleeve in a tight grip to stop her hands shaking as she stared back at the other young woman. Now they were like it, it seemed to prove they were both wrong in their suspicions during the game.]
Well, if I was the traitor, I wouldn't be here, would I?
[Why was she still trying to justify herself? What did she care what Ruruka thought of her now? It wasn't as if they were going to magically make up and float up to heaven together, the confectioner wouldn't listen, she never listened. She'd used her, that was the only reason she pretended to care, the reason she led the pharmacist on, making her think they were friends, but never really trusting or believing in her. They hadn't even really been friends in first place! If they were, she would have listened instead of immediately assuming the worst in her when something went wrong at the exam.]
[Why did she care enough to invest any of her remaining feelings in this girl who clearly would always despise her? Seiko didn't know, and hated herself all the more for her weakness.]
no subject
[Maybe she was getting too hung up on it, overthinking the issue when it could just be that her former friend was also too drained and exhausted to really start a bickering match. Still, focusing on someone else, asking all these pointless questions at least provided a good distraction. It was better than the alternative, having to deal with her own turbulent thoughts regarding the situation. She didn't want to face that, not again. The promise of those last few moments, yes it had all been a horrible trick to force her down the path to despair, but really, was it so wrong she wanted to let it all go? Why couldn't she they just end the pain and let her wither into nothing in peace?]
[It was a nightmare made real, so vivid and clear that all of her senses had been fooled into believing it, to the point where she could still feel her skin crawl in revulsion from the sensation of the blood...their blood, the blood of all those people, her colleagues, her subordinates, those she had failed to save, those who might very well now be dead because she wasn't there to do something. It had oozed and bubbled, painting her hands red, pooling at her feet until it lapped at her legs like a sea of decay she had to wade through, trying to avoid the floating corpses of those she had let down and praying she wouldn't drown as it rose higher and higher.]
[But then...she saw them, and herself. Pure, innocent, blissfully unaware of what was to follow because of that fateful encounter on a rainy day. Was it just there to taunt her, was she seeing her life flash before her eyes? Maybe, but...then she turned. The little Ruruka looked at her, and smiled.]
["How come you're letting all that icky stuff drag you down?" the sugary voice had chirped, stretching out a hand and offering her that same wrapped candy she still carried, young Izayoi watching silently as the little girl had giggled. "You should just come and play with us instead!"
[Somewhere in the real world she had heard the metal clang on the knife being dropped, body collecting it without pause, memorized and simply going through the motions. Her guilt of course had to be unleashed, leading to her bashing herself over and over into the cold wall until it bend and buckled around her body shape, her senses just barely picking up a dampness creeping into her clothes and skin, the latter now shredded and tattered due to repeated impact. Had she caused a water pipe to burst? Oh well, it didn't matter anymore. What was important now was...]
["Go for it Seiko-chan!"]
["You don't have to deal with that stuff anymore."]
["We can go back to having fun again, like it was before."]
["And you'll be able to eat my candy too! Isn't that great?"]
["You're my friend Seiko-chan...I believe in you!"]
[Then...the knife had...]
[She was a coward. She had wanted the pain to end so badly she had allowed herself to fall into delirium, and it affected her even now, somewhat dazed as she finally realized Ruruka was back to sniping at her, apparently having missed the mask failing for that brief second earlier. It should have been fine, she was used to the harsh words by now. And yet...it still hurt. Why did it still hurt?]
That's not true! I just-... [There was no screaming, no rage this time. They had both worn themselves out on that before. No, this was a much rawer, heartbroken denial. Thinking on what she did, even with her conviction that she had been treated unfairly, Seiko was repulsed by what she had allowed herself to turn into by downing all those pills. She could have killed them, she wanted to at the time, but now...]
I was angry...because you wouldn't stop saying those things...blaming me for everything...
[It wasn't an excuse, she wasn't asking to be forgiven. More than that, she just wanted to come to terms with it herself, fingers clutching her sleeve in a tight grip to stop her hands shaking as she stared back at the other young woman. Now they were like it, it seemed to prove they were both wrong in their suspicions during the game.]
Well, if I was the traitor, I wouldn't be here, would I?
[Why was she still trying to justify herself? What did she care what Ruruka thought of her now? It wasn't as if they were going to magically make up and float up to heaven together, the confectioner wouldn't listen, she never listened. She'd used her, that was the only reason she pretended to care, the reason she led the pharmacist on, making her think they were friends, but never really trusting or believing in her. They hadn't even really been friends in first place! If they were, she would have listened instead of immediately assuming the worst in her when something went wrong at the exam.]
[Why did she care enough to invest any of her remaining feelings in this girl who clearly would always despise her? Seiko didn't know, and hated herself all the more for her weakness.]